i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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