Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
