pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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