She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
