I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
