Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
