Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
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"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???