Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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