There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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