So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
