i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
