FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
