I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
