The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
