Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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