Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
