there's paper in my vomit.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
