i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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