I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
