i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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