She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i think i have two assholes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
