Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
