i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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