flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
