Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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