Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
