See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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