whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
