i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
