can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just cut my nipple shaving
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
