My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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