I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
