you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
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You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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