i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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