I'm so fucking centered right now
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
These tits shall not be calmed
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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