so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
