I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
