You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
