Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
