You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
