fuck your aforementioned shoe
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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