I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.