Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
