update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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