two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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