Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
