My boss' voice literally gives me gas
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
