Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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