can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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