Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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