i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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