my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
