Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
