You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
