I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
