i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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