He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
