Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
