Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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