I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
