my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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