Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
