you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
