Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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